Sorry for the hiatus friends! I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of your seat with baited breath since you finished reading Part II...OR the only people that read it are my mom and sister so never mind, haha. A combination of work, Christmas, and stomach flu contributed to my long absence. With Christmas a day behind me, I'm suddenly confronted by the reality of how soon I am moving. to. Kenya. Deep breaths. I can feel a physical change around my heart. It's a little bit excitement, a little bit fear. Not the bad kind of fear, like "what have I done???", but the good, inevitable kind. I have NO idea what it will feel like the day I arrive. I already miss my friends in LA so much, and I'm just a few states away. Let's not even talk about what I feel when I contemplate not seeing my niece and nephew for at least 6 months or the scene I will make when I say my goodbyes. Yikes. And why do I have so much to buy? If anyone has a spare $300 REI gift card, feel free to send it my way. :)
Back to the story. The reason I am where I am today, standing on the precipice of known. We pick up the story mid-2009. God had taught me a lot about contentment, and I was starting to really feel and act differently in response. I wanted to be more involved in my church, so I joined a community group. REALLY good decision. Not only did I make some incredible lifelong friends, but the Lord began to do some huge things in my life. And I don't mean just in my heart or mind (although both were definitely affected)--I mean BIG literal changes that would dramatically alter the course I was taking.
The first study I did with my new community group was on the book of Judges, and focused on idolatry. At first I wondered how interesting this would be. I'd read the stories, I new about the judge that stabbed the fat king, etc etc. I also knew that I had idols in my life...not big gold statues, but I knew without a doubt that I had things in my life I put before the Lord. I guess I just felt like it was inevitable. I'm a sinner, I'm selfish, I'm a work in progress. I honestly wanted to destroy those idols. I had tried to break habits, change my heart, I had prayed and hoped for change. I wanted Jesus to be the most important thing in my life theoretically. I've loved Jesus my whole life, I've had ups and downs, growth and draught. But I had grown stale in my mid-twenties. A bit jaded, I had heard the same stories over and over again. I had hoped for chains of sin and cycles of doubt and unbelief to be broken, but some things seemed too big. Too deeply rooted in my sinful nature. But somewhere in the midst of this Bible study, my attitude changed. I wanted to do some changing. I wanted to try to make Jesus first.
Now this part is a bit tricky, and I want to make something absolutely clear (keeping in mind that I am no theologian): I had asked for the Lord to help me change many times before. And he had answered, and done many amazing healing changes in my heart/life/mind. I'm referring to a few specific areas of struggle, and I absolutely, without a doubt think the only difference this time around was that God decided it was time to break those chains. This wasn't about me finally being good enough, or meaning it enough. How can any man or woman, so selfish by nature, ever really want to put the Lord first unless God wills it in us? This was God. His timing. His plan. For some divine reason, this was the right time for conquering. Although I was instantly redeemed and made new at the point of salvation many years ago (under my yellow blanky!), the sanctification process is a lifelong one, and this was the Lord's day of sweet victory over a few specific areas of idolatry. It wasn't an instantaneous victory, it was over a period of about 6 months, and don't get me wrong--although ultimately this was ALL God's strength and conquest, it did take a lot of work, prayer, and trust on my part. I will always struggle with sin, and with putting things before my Lord, but let me assure you---God CAN do miraculous healing. He can break the pattern of sin and addiction. He can free you of burdens that you have carried and tried to lay down time and time again. He did this for me, and I stand as a witness. I have found freedom from several things I thought would have a hold on me for the rest of my life. And they aren't coming back. Praise the Lord. Our God is a God of healing, or redemption, forgiveness, mercy, and deep deep personal love. He is huge, but he can be so close.
I can't claim to understand why God doesn't instantly heal us from all things that we ask him to save us from. But I do know that we should keep asking. That we should try to grow, hope and ask for freedom, and surrender ourselves to his perfect will. I know that God gave me the desire to change, and that it was him, not I, who smashed those idols into oblivion. I also know that those "idols" as I call them, probably wouldn't be a big deal to 99% of the world. I wasn't on drugs, or having an affair, or anything like that. But I was desiring the world more than my Lord. I was seeking my own dreams and desires, instead of what he has deemed for my life right now. I was dulling my mind with empty things, instead of seeking his word and his companionship. And when all of that started to change, OH my how different my life started to be. The joy. The freedom. The new adventure and challenges. I was changed, and hungry for more!
Read Part I and II of this story.
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