There’s nothing quite like soaring above the world at 30000ft for reflection. I’m on my way to LA, after an almost 4 month absence--my longest time spent away since I started college there in 2001. This trip, combined with the long time apart, has given me ample reason to reflect on the city and its people and the role it has played in my life the past 10 years.
The first time I visited LA will always be seared into my memory. I was in 8th grade, and it was the first Spring Break trip I ever took with my family. As a someday hopeful actor, it was the epitome of all trips. I toured the Warner Bros studio (where I saw George Clooney--amidst his early ER fame days), went to a taping of Jay Leno, ate at fancy restaurants, cruised Rodeo, and dreamed about my future life there.
Fast forward to Aug 2001, when my family dropped me off at USC. Although I wasn’t attending my first (or second, OR third) school, I was thrilled to be living in LA. And thus my relationship with the City of Angels began. LA has meant different things to me over these 9 years, first as my college town, then the scene of my first forays into adulthood, and then the comfortable partner of my mid-later twenties. I’ve wanted a break a few times along the way, but most of those years felt comfortable and committed. Now suddenly I find I’ve left for a far away adventure in Africa, uncertain of when (and if?) I’ll return.
When I drove away with my mom in early October, it didn’t really feel like a proper goodbye. Sure I had a fabulous farewell soirée, I left my job, I moved out of my apt...but I wasn’t immediately jumping into my new life in Nairobi so I don’t think it clicked with my brain. I also think I was only adjusting to a temporary absence, a two year “time-out” while I do the International scene like so many other twenty somethings. But as the months in TX ticked by and especially now as I’m about to leave for Nairobi, I am realizing that I don’t KNOW that I will be moving back. I have no idea what the future holds post-Kenya. I definitely don’t have plans to move somewhere else in the States, and there are very few places I can picture myself living, but as the past year has shown me--I can NEVER be sure of what God has planned for my future.
Today feels especially strange flying to my long-term home as only a weekend guest. I’m reminded of a song I wrote back in 1999 on the plane to TX when my dramatic and devastated 16 year-old self was flying reluctantly to her new home in TX--”Am I leaving home, or going home? My heart is home, it is with you”. To be fair the “you” may have been the Lord or a certain senior I was madly in like with...but the sentiment remains the same today (albeit without the broken heart). Am I returning to my home in LA? TX is where my family is, but my immediate future and prospects lie halfway across the world in a place I’ve never been.
My point is that I feel a little uncertain about how to feel towards the city that has been my hoped for or actual home most of my life--am I a visitor? Not really. But I’m not a resident either. Is there a name for what I am now? It’s like we are more than friends, but we aren’t ‘together’ either. I feel a lot of conflicting emotions--I’m sad to leave, but glad to go where I’m going. And how will I feel when I come back the next time, when life has been going on without me. How will we feel about each other in a year or two? Will we recognize each other after all the changes we’re each bound to go through? Will we still be compatible?
I guess only time will tell, but one thing is certain: LA has made a lifelong impact on my heart and I’ll always be grateful for our time together. Cheers to an amazing visit with my undefined companion, Los Angeles!
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