Sorry for the hiatus friends! I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of your seat with baited breath since you finished reading Part II...OR the only people that read it are my mom and sister so never mind, haha. A combination of work, Christmas, and stomach flu contributed to my long absence. With Christmas a day behind me, I'm suddenly confronted by the reality of how soon I am moving. to. Kenya. Deep breaths. I can feel a physical change around my heart. It's a little bit excitement, a little bit fear. Not the bad kind of fear, like "what have I done???", but the good, inevitable kind. I have NO idea what it will feel like the day I arrive. I already miss my friends in LA so much, and I'm just a few states away. Let's not even talk about what I feel when I contemplate not seeing my niece and nephew for at least 6 months or the scene I will make when I say my goodbyes. Yikes. And why do I have so much to buy? If anyone has a spare $300 REI gift card, feel free to send it my way. :)
Back to the story. The reason I am where I am today, standing on the precipice of known. We pick up the story mid-2009. God had taught me a lot about contentment, and I was starting to really feel and act differently in response. I wanted to be more involved in my church, so I joined a community group. REALLY good decision. Not only did I make some incredible lifelong friends, but the Lord began to do some huge things in my life. And I don't mean just in my heart or mind (although both were definitely affected)--I mean BIG literal changes that would dramatically alter the course I was taking.
The first study I did with my new community group was on the book of Judges, and focused on idolatry. At first I wondered how interesting this would be. I'd read the stories, I new about the judge that stabbed the fat king, etc etc. I also knew that I had idols in my life...not big gold statues, but I knew without a doubt that I had things in my life I put before the Lord. I guess I just felt like it was inevitable. I'm a sinner, I'm selfish, I'm a work in progress. I honestly wanted to destroy those idols. I had tried to break habits, change my heart, I had prayed and hoped for change. I wanted Jesus to be the most important thing in my life theoretically. I've loved Jesus my whole life, I've had ups and downs, growth and draught. But I had grown stale in my mid-twenties. A bit jaded, I had heard the same stories over and over again. I had hoped for chains of sin and cycles of doubt and unbelief to be broken, but some things seemed too big. Too deeply rooted in my sinful nature. But somewhere in the midst of this Bible study, my attitude changed. I wanted to do some changing. I wanted to try to make Jesus first.
Now this part is a bit tricky, and I want to make something absolutely clear (keeping in mind that I am no theologian): I had asked for the Lord to help me change many times before. And he had answered, and done many amazing healing changes in my heart/life/mind. I'm referring to a few specific areas of struggle, and I absolutely, without a doubt think the only difference this time around was that God decided it was time to break those chains. This wasn't about me finally being good enough, or meaning it enough. How can any man or woman, so selfish by nature, ever really want to put the Lord first unless God wills it in us? This was God. His timing. His plan. For some divine reason, this was the right time for conquering. Although I was instantly redeemed and made new at the point of salvation many years ago (under my yellow blanky!), the sanctification process is a lifelong one, and this was the Lord's day of sweet victory over a few specific areas of idolatry. It wasn't an instantaneous victory, it was over a period of about 6 months, and don't get me wrong--although ultimately this was ALL God's strength and conquest, it did take a lot of work, prayer, and trust on my part. I will always struggle with sin, and with putting things before my Lord, but let me assure you---God CAN do miraculous healing. He can break the pattern of sin and addiction. He can free you of burdens that you have carried and tried to lay down time and time again. He did this for me, and I stand as a witness. I have found freedom from several things I thought would have a hold on me for the rest of my life. And they aren't coming back. Praise the Lord. Our God is a God of healing, or redemption, forgiveness, mercy, and deep deep personal love. He is huge, but he can be so close.
I can't claim to understand why God doesn't instantly heal us from all things that we ask him to save us from. But I do know that we should keep asking. That we should try to grow, hope and ask for freedom, and surrender ourselves to his perfect will. I know that God gave me the desire to change, and that it was him, not I, who smashed those idols into oblivion. I also know that those "idols" as I call them, probably wouldn't be a big deal to 99% of the world. I wasn't on drugs, or having an affair, or anything like that. But I was desiring the world more than my Lord. I was seeking my own dreams and desires, instead of what he has deemed for my life right now. I was dulling my mind with empty things, instead of seeking his word and his companionship. And when all of that started to change, OH my how different my life started to be. The joy. The freedom. The new adventure and challenges. I was changed, and hungry for more!
Read Part I and II of this story.
26.12.10
Merry and Bright
What a Christmas! The day was really perfect, especially knowing that I might not be in the country for next year's Christmas. I was definitely appreciating every moment. The kids were delights, the adult company was so fun, the food was yummy and plentiful. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we read, we played, we snacked and we thanked God for sending his Son. Thank you Jesus for being God with Us!
Kate Spade: always practical, even when you're moving to Kenya.
All played out.
Zoey and I both received Beauty and the Beast on DVD, which meant we had to watch it.
Becky's beautiful table, my beautiful macaroni and cheese.
Even the dolls were reverent, hands raised and heads bowed.
LaLa, do you see my candy cane?
I glance away to take Pop's picture.
I look back. Where did my candy cane go? He really wasn't sure.
Found it! But it's stuck. OH no.
And that was Christmas! Merry Merry Christmas to you.
8.12.10
LA to Kenya: An Unexpected Turn in the Life of a Work in Progress, Part II
Read Part I here.
Disclaimer: This story starts three years ago...I promise it won't be a 9 part series covering every moment of my life since then. Hang in there! :)
In the fall of 2007, I had one of those rare, profound God moments where you know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is speaking to you. In that moment, in the mountains of CA, the Lord asked me if I was willing to come up higher. It was deeply stirring, personal, with the magical quality that comes from a close encounter with the One True God. I was humbled that the Lord would ask me a question, as if I was the one calling any of the shots. My answer to him was yes Lord, I will follow you anywhere. I sensed that whatever he was planning would require major sacrifice, a lot of work, something BIG. I wasn't scared, I was invigorated by the intensity of the experience and ready to start the climb up the proverbial mountain. I was ready to meet him on that higher plane. Oh, bless the heart of that eager, girl!
I'd love to tell you that my life immediately took a turn for the better, that I was flooded with a constant joy and humility, that I sprung away from sin, that I took huge steps forward in my faith. None of those things, friends. What followed was perhaps one of the most difficult, darkest seasons of my life. Adversity in my close relationships. A challenging work environment. A deep loneliness and a barren community. I felt attacked on every side, and I was challenged daily not to fight back with my human anger and pursuit of justice. God was there, and I still felt a closeness to him, but I was taken nearly to my breaking point before things started to improve. In the middle of this I visited my best friend in my favorite place in the world (Scotland!) and had one of the best weeks of my life, only to come back to a city that was breaking my heart. I had finally encountered peace amidst the storm, and the only way I could think of to get back to it was to move to Scotland (logical, haha). Thus began my campaign to make my long time dream come true of living in Scotland, with one of my favorite people in the world. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, move halfway across the world right? So I applied for a graduate school program, and beating the odds, they accepted me (after telling me it would NEVER happen, past the deadline, Americans are dumb, etc etc). I was FLOORED. This was God's plan. My escape. My higher calling. I waited in anticipation for some rich benefactor to send me $50,000, or for some amazing grant, so that God could get busy fixing up my life. Yup. Didn't happen. Not God's plan. Instead he decided to teach me about contentment. It's not a very fun lesson to learn, but I am oh so glad he took me on that journey at the age of 25. It was a long road, one I'm sure I'll be on for the rest of my life.
The past two years have been a continuation in that vein, and they were filled with joy, healed relationships, a bountiful community, a new church that rocked my spiritual life to a new level (more to come on that), and rapid personal growth. I started to understand and put my faith in God's sovereignty, despite the fact that my life wasn't necessarily what I wanted it to look like at every moment. It was a time of blessing, of growth. To an outsider it may have seemed I was simply working and living in the same place, living life day in day out without a lot of change, but God was moving. There was a rich and mighty undercurrent that I myself was only vaguely aware of.
I think ALL of that story is deeply tied to this LA to Kenya story. I truly believe (and it brings me to awed and joyful tears to even think about it) that that night in the fall of 2007, when the Lord challenged me to a new journey, the road he was leading me to was the whisper of Africa that brought me to my knees in March, 2010. I can't wait to tell you the rest of the story!
Isaiah 25:1
"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure."
Psalm 30:11-12
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever."
Disclaimer: This story starts three years ago...I promise it won't be a 9 part series covering every moment of my life since then. Hang in there! :)
In the fall of 2007, I had one of those rare, profound God moments where you know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is speaking to you. In that moment, in the mountains of CA, the Lord asked me if I was willing to come up higher. It was deeply stirring, personal, with the magical quality that comes from a close encounter with the One True God. I was humbled that the Lord would ask me a question, as if I was the one calling any of the shots. My answer to him was yes Lord, I will follow you anywhere. I sensed that whatever he was planning would require major sacrifice, a lot of work, something BIG. I wasn't scared, I was invigorated by the intensity of the experience and ready to start the climb up the proverbial mountain. I was ready to meet him on that higher plane. Oh, bless the heart of that eager, girl!
I'd love to tell you that my life immediately took a turn for the better, that I was flooded with a constant joy and humility, that I sprung away from sin, that I took huge steps forward in my faith. None of those things, friends. What followed was perhaps one of the most difficult, darkest seasons of my life. Adversity in my close relationships. A challenging work environment. A deep loneliness and a barren community. I felt attacked on every side, and I was challenged daily not to fight back with my human anger and pursuit of justice. God was there, and I still felt a closeness to him, but I was taken nearly to my breaking point before things started to improve. In the middle of this I visited my best friend in my favorite place in the world (Scotland!) and had one of the best weeks of my life, only to come back to a city that was breaking my heart. I had finally encountered peace amidst the storm, and the only way I could think of to get back to it was to move to Scotland (logical, haha). Thus began my campaign to make my long time dream come true of living in Scotland, with one of my favorite people in the world. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, move halfway across the world right? So I applied for a graduate school program, and beating the odds, they accepted me (after telling me it would NEVER happen, past the deadline, Americans are dumb, etc etc). I was FLOORED. This was God's plan. My escape. My higher calling. I waited in anticipation for some rich benefactor to send me $50,000, or for some amazing grant, so that God could get busy fixing up my life. Yup. Didn't happen. Not God's plan. Instead he decided to teach me about contentment. It's not a very fun lesson to learn, but I am oh so glad he took me on that journey at the age of 25. It was a long road, one I'm sure I'll be on for the rest of my life.
The past two years have been a continuation in that vein, and they were filled with joy, healed relationships, a bountiful community, a new church that rocked my spiritual life to a new level (more to come on that), and rapid personal growth. I started to understand and put my faith in God's sovereignty, despite the fact that my life wasn't necessarily what I wanted it to look like at every moment. It was a time of blessing, of growth. To an outsider it may have seemed I was simply working and living in the same place, living life day in day out without a lot of change, but God was moving. There was a rich and mighty undercurrent that I myself was only vaguely aware of.
I think ALL of that story is deeply tied to this LA to Kenya story. I truly believe (and it brings me to awed and joyful tears to even think about it) that that night in the fall of 2007, when the Lord challenged me to a new journey, the road he was leading me to was the whisper of Africa that brought me to my knees in March, 2010. I can't wait to tell you the rest of the story!
Isaiah 25:1
"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure."
Psalm 30:11-12
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever."
7.12.10
LA to Kenya: An Unexpected Turn in the Life of a Work in Progress, Part I
A year ago I was living in LA, contemplating a big move to NYC. I was dreaming of adventure, of new places, a new job, and adding new friends to my community. I felt a stirring to move, not just locations but a movement within. I was about to turn 27 and I'd had the same job and apartment for three years. I'd lived in LA since starting at USC in 2001. Life was very stable, and I mean that in the best of ways. I was thriving, I loved my city, my friends, my church, and I was (for lack of a more sophisticated term) happy. I'd thought about moving at other times since college, but always with the motive of escape and with an undercurrent of discontentment. Thankfully God kept me in the same spot, although at times I wasn't sure what if I was moving forward at all. Ahh hindsight! Now I see that the past three years monumentally affected where I am now, and where I am going.
You most likely know that I'll be moving to Kenya in February, and many of you know a lot of the reasons why and the road I've taken to get where I am right now. Even so, it's been on my heart lately to explain in more depth what has gone on in my heart and in my life this past year, if for no other reason than to bear witness to the insurmountable provision, love and joy that God has poured into me, and a new purpose to which he has called me to. I also know I'll have people join in on the journey at different points, and I wanted a reference point to be able to "catch them up" when they say, you're moving to where??? WHY? I will be the first to say I was not who you might first think of when it comes to work in Africa. :)
But it's happening, and I am thrilled/excited/uncertain/determined/at peace and riled up all at once. Over the next few days I'd like to paint you a picture of this adventure I'm on--past, present, and future. I'm excited to share it with you--it will be a personal and in depth journey as fair warning, and it's bound to include no less than 3 major life analogies, at least one Lexi motto, and perhaps a reference to a unicorn or narwhal. Would you expect any less?
You most likely know that I'll be moving to Kenya in February, and many of you know a lot of the reasons why and the road I've taken to get where I am right now. Even so, it's been on my heart lately to explain in more depth what has gone on in my heart and in my life this past year, if for no other reason than to bear witness to the insurmountable provision, love and joy that God has poured into me, and a new purpose to which he has called me to. I also know I'll have people join in on the journey at different points, and I wanted a reference point to be able to "catch them up" when they say, you're moving to where??? WHY? I will be the first to say I was not who you might first think of when it comes to work in Africa. :)
But it's happening, and I am thrilled/excited/uncertain/determined/at peace and riled up all at once. Over the next few days I'd like to paint you a picture of this adventure I'm on--past, present, and future. I'm excited to share it with you--it will be a personal and in depth journey as fair warning, and it's bound to include no less than 3 major life analogies, at least one Lexi motto, and perhaps a reference to a unicorn or narwhal. Would you expect any less?
Psalm 18:28-33
"For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?--the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights."
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